


What Might Be

by Hils



Category: Merlin (TV)
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2009-01-08
Updated: 2009-01-08
Packaged: 2018-10-16 20:50:18
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,019
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10579242
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Hils/pseuds/Hils
Summary: He would be a great king one day, just and wise, and the name of Camelot would live on through the ages as would the name of Arthur. Except he was dying.





	

Gwen had once described Arthur as the ‘save the world’ type and that was true. What surprised her was how much she’d come to rely on Arthur’s strength over the past few months. He was noble and strong and the only one she trusted to keep them all safe. He would be a great king one day, just and wise, and the name of Camelot would live on through the ages as would the name of Arthur.

Except he was dying.

Nobody would say it, of course, and she didn’t want to admit it herself, but now that she was in his room she couldn’t escape the stench of death that was in the air. Arthur was a fighter, though, and although he was unconscious with a body wracked by fever, he wasn’t giving up easily and that gave her hope.

She wasn’t a scientist like Gaius or a warrior like Uther, but she had her role to play and right now it was her job to keep Arthur as comfortable as possible while Gaius and Merlin searched for a cure.

With a tender smile she gently wiped Arthur’s face with a cool cloth, her heart clenching at every hiss of discomfort the prince let out. She wished she could do more for him, because she loved him. Not a romantic love, of course. She as a mere servant would never presume. No, she loved him because he was her prince and she had seen the goodness in his heart. The knowledge that he would one day rule the kingdom had been the only thing to keep her going some days.

“You have to live,” she urged as she tended to his fever. “For all of our sakes, you have to live.”

Carefully she lifted one of his hands and swiped the cool cloth over his wrist in an effort to lower his temperature. Even without searching for it she could feel the thready pulse beating weakly beneath her fingers.

“Just fight it a little bit longer,” she whispered, drawing his hand to her mouth and pressing a soft kiss to his fingers. It was all she could do to show him that in her heart, he was already her king.

She jumped when Arthur sighed and curled his fingers slightly around hers.

“Sire? Can you hear me?”

She leaned in close, trying to detect any sort of awareness from the prince as hope fluttered in her chest. He continued to lie still, the only sound and movement was his ragged breathing.

“Merlin…”

It was less than a whisper, barely more than a breath from his lips, but she heard it as clearly as if it had been shouted. She wanted to be surprised that the one person Arthur had called for was Merlin, but she’d seen how close the two of them had become. If she was feeling particularly daring she might even suggest that the depths of their feelings went beyond those of friendship. She’d certainly suspected Merlin’s feelings for Arthur, but now she was wondering if the prince felt the same way.

“Sire?” She asked again. “Do you want me to fetch Merlin for you?”

Maybe the presence of the one person Arthur cared about most would be what he needed to drive him to not give up. But the prince lay still and silent and did not speak again.

* * *

She looked up as Merlin padded quietly into the room and offered him a sad smile when she saw the pure heartbreak on his face.

“How is he?” Merlin asked, unable to keep his eyes from the prone form on the bed.

“The same,” she replied softly. “He called for you, though. Maybe it will help if you sit with him for a while.”

With his eyes not moving from the prince’s face, Merlin walked over to the bedside and took Arthur’s hand, the same hand she’d pressed her lips to earlier, in his.

“Arthur?” Merlin said softly, and she could see the unshed tears shining in his eyes. “I’m here.”

She quietly excused herself with the pretence that she needed to tend to Morgana, and waited outside the bedroom. What Merlin and Arthur both needed right now was to not to be disturbed, and she would make sure that no one bothered them.

Merlin barely looked up as Gwen slipped from the room. All he could focus on was Arthur and the soft gasping breaths that he was trying to take in.

He didn’t let go of the prince’s hand as he sank onto the mattress beside Arthur’s leg.

“You’re not going to die,” he said in a voice that challenged anyone to disagree. “I’m going to save you even if…well, I’m sure you already know how important you are.”

Except that wasn’t true. Arthur had already demonstrated that he cared little for his own life if it meant saving others. That was one of the reasons Merlin knew Arthur was going to be a great king one day. He brushed his thumb over the back of Arthur’s hand and smiled even as the tears rolled down his cheeks.

“I…I just needed you to know, before I go, how much you mean to me. I know I’ve never said it before, but I thought we’d have longer together.”

He leaned forward and pressed a soft kiss to Arthur’s lips. “I love you, and I always will. Just…I hope you’ll remember that when you wake up.”

He had to go, he knew that. The more time he spent here the less chance he had of saving Arthur in time, but he was so reluctant to leave, knowing that he would never see Arthur again.

Finally, he kissed him one more time and forced himself to leave the room.

“Look after him,” he told Gwen when he found her waiting outside the door.

“Of course,” she said, laying a gentle and comforting hand on his arm. He smiled, knowing that Arthur would be in good hands.

Then he ran.

* * *

Destiny, Merlin decided, was playing a cruel game with him. He had left Camelot never expecting to see its walls again, yet here he was with Arthur’s head in his lap while Gaius poured the cure into the prince’s open mouth.

There was still no guarantee that this would work. All he had was Nimueh’s word, and he clung to it like a lifeline.

“You have to live,” he whispered as he stroked his hand through Arthur’s damp hair. “Please.”

Gaius rose from his task and gave Merlin’s shoulder a gentle squeeze. “There’s nothing more we can do except wait.”

He hated waiting at the best of times, but there was so much at stake now he didn’t know how he was going to bear it.

“You may leave us,” Uther said, his eyes never leaving Arthur’s prone form.

Merlin wanted to be angry at the king for dismissing him so easily. It was his fault Arthur was injured in the first place, after all. He knew the Questing Beast was a magical creature but he’d sent Arthur after it anyway.

But the look on the king’s face, so broken and full of despair, told Merlin that Uther probably felt the same way. He was going to spend the rest of his life knowing that he had almost been responsible for his own son’s death. It was more than enough punishment for what he’d done.

Carefully, Merlin lifted Arthur’s head from his lap and slid out from beneath him before gently lowering him back.

Now all they could do was wait.

* * *

“The prince will live.”

Relief hit him hard and fast like a tidal wave, and he broke into a run even before the grin had finished forming on his face. He needed to see Arthur for himself before he could fully believe that the cure had worked.

He charged through the door and skidded to a halt, almost colliding with Uther, who was standing beside Arthur’s bed.

“Do you make a habit of bursting into rooms without knocking?” The king asked dryly.

Merlin’s eyes drifted over to the bed. Arthur looked pale, exhausted and in pain, but he was awake and watching Merlin with an amused smile.

“Well?” The king prompted.

Merlin grinned as he made eye contact with Arthur, and suddenly he didn’t care if Uther decided to put him in the stocks for a week for this. Arthur was alive and smiling and that was something Merlin never thought he’d see again.

“No, your majesty,” he said when he realised Uther was still waiting for an answer. “Sorry. It’s just, I heard Arthur…Prince Arthur I mean…was feeling better and I had to…”

He stopped when he felt Uther’s large hand come to rest on his shoulder.

“I understand,” the king said with what almost passed for a kind smile. “You love him.”

Arthur’s eyes widened at the same time Merlin’s did and he began to cough, raising his hand to assure everyone that he was all right when both Merlin and Uther moved towards him.

As Arthur’s coughing subsided, Uther turned his attention back to Merlin. “There is no greater love than that of a subject for his prince. The loyalty you’ve shown him speaks of it in volumes.”

“I…yes, your majesty,” Merlin said weakly, suddenly at a loss for words.

Uther nodded. “I must speak with Gaius and thank him for all he has done. Look after Arthur while I am gone.”

He swept out of the room before Merlin could reply.

“I don’t know what was more entertaining,” Arthur said once the door was closed. “Watching my father be nice to you for once, or the look on your face when he did it.”

“Well,” Merlin replied, unable to keep the grin from his face. “I’m so happy that my discomfort amused you. You’re feeling better, then?”

Arthur nodded, but his face tightened in obvious pain as he did so. “Gaius says I’ll live.”

It had worked! It had really worked! Joy flooded through him like he had never felt before, overriding all other emotions and completely taking control as he captured Arthur’s face between his hands and pressed a kiss to his lips. His brain only caught up with him when he felt Arthur go rigid beneath him, and he quickly pulled back as he realised what he’d just done.

“Arthur…sorry! It’s just I was so worried and I wasn’t thinking and I’m so sorry!”

He was babbling now and he knew it but he didn’t seem able to stop. “Anyway, I’m sure you need to rest, so I’ll just go, shall I? I should go. Oh, but the king asked me to stay. I should stay. Should I?”

Arthur just stared at him, eyes wide as he traced a finger over his lower lip.

“I should go,” Merlin finally decided. At that point he didn’t care if Uther got angry with him for leaving Arthur alone. He just had to get away. Far, far away.

“Wait!” Arthur called as Merlin bolted for the door. “Stay.”

Merlin closed his eyes and sighed before turning back to the bed. Arthur was looking at him quizzically now, as though he was trying to recall something from the deep recesses of his mind.

“You were with me,” he finally said softly. “When I was ill. You kissed me and said…said that you loved me.”

It was a statement, not a question, and Merlin knew there was no use in denying it now. All he could do was nod his head slowly and pray that the ground would open up and swallow him whole.

“And what did you mean by that?” Arthur asked. “The love of a subject for his prince?”

There was actually the barest hint of a smile on Arthur’s face now that the shock had worn off, and that made Merlin feel bold.

“Not exactly, no.”

“You never said anything before.”

He shrugged. “You weren’t dying before.”

“But here I am,” Arthur observed. “Alive and mostly well.”

“Yes,” Merlin agreed.

The silence they fell into was long and awkward. Merlin was trying desperately to think of something, anything, to say but nothing was coming. Now he’d just resorted to praying the king would walk in so he could leave.

“Are you angry?” He finally asked softly.

“I’m…no.” Arthur replied.

That was something, at least. Of course he didn’t expect the prince to return his feelings, but losing his friendship would have been too much to bear. He took a seat beside the bed, trying to gauge what Arthur was feeling but getting nothing. When Arthur’s hand slipped into his he almost fell off his seat in shock.

“I’m tired,” Arthur said, stifling a yawn as if to prove the point. “Perhaps we could talk about this tomorrow.”

Merlin was having a hard time thinking about anything except the fact that Arthur was stroking the inside of his wrist.

“Um…all right,” he finally managed to say. “But I should probably stay until the king gets back or he might have my head. You rest, though. I promise not to molest you in your sleep.”

With his eyes already closed Arthur snorted. “I wouldn’t mind. Just be gentle, my shoulder still hurts.”

Moments later he was snoring softly and all Merlin could do was stare at him, barely able to believe what he’d just heard. He ached to reach out and touch Arthur again, but he was suddenly presented with the horrifying realisation that Nimueh had kept her word and Arthur had been saved.

Which meant that by morning Merlin would be dead.

* * *

He wasn’t dead.

What had happened was much, much worse. His mother lay dying and it was his fault. Worse still, the dragon had known this would happen and said nothing. He’d thought he’d had an ally in the mystical creature, someone who cared for Arthur’s wellbeing as much as he did. But all the dragon cared about was his freedom, with Arthur as a means to an end and Merlin as a tool to ensure it happened.

Betrayal stung at him as he considered that he had been let down, not only by the dragon but by Nimueh and even himself for thinking it would be simple to just exchange his life for Arthur’s.

It wasn’t too late though. He could still save his mother, and this time he’d make sure it was his own life that was forfeit.

He’d already said his goodbyes to Gaius and his mother, but as he hovered outside Arthur’s door he had a feeling this was going to be the hardest moment of his life.

“I thought you’d have been here sooner,” Arthur said softly as Merlin tentatively entered the room.

The prince was sitting in front of the fire, his skin seeming to glow in the warm light. He looked almost healthy again, apart from his arm being bound in a sling.

“Sorry,” Merlin replied. “Something has happened. I can’t stay. I just needed to say goodbye.”

He almost choked on the words, a fact that did not go unnoticed by Arthur, who frowned at him.

“Are you all right?”

“Yes,” Merlin nodded. “I mean, no, not really. It’s my mother. She’s…”

His voice cracked and for a moment he couldn’t go on. “She’s very ill. I have to help her.”

Arthur was on his feet before Merlin could blink. “I’ll come with you.”

Oh, no, this wasn’t the plan at all. He should have considered that Arthur would want to help. It was just who he was: noble and always wanting to do the right thing.

“You can’t,” he said, hoping that the desperation he felt wasn’t leaking into his voice. “You…you’re not well.”

“I’m well enough,” Arthur replied. “Your mother took care of all of us when we were in Ealdor. The very least I can do is return that kindness.”

Unfortunately, or fortunately as Merlin chose to look at it, just standing on his feet for a few minutes proved too much exertion for Arthur. He collapsed into his seat with a groan, free hand clutching his wounded shoulder.

Merlin smiled gently and knelt down in front of the prince. “She’d be flattered that you wanted to do this for her but she’d be even angrier if you made yourself worse because of her. Please, this is just something I have to do by myself.”

Arthur seemingly couldn’t argue against the current frailness of his own body. He sighed and nodded. “When will you be back?”

And that was just the one question Merlin wished he hadn’t asked. “I…I’m not coming back, Arthur.”

There was a pause, during which Arthur pondered what Merlin had just told him.

“You’re my manservant,” he finally said almost trembling with emotion. “I command you to return.”

Merlin could feel his heart breaking as he shook his head. “When have I ever done what you commanded?”

He’d hoped the small joke would cause the prince to at least smile a little, even though his own chest was aching with the words he had to say. It didn’t work. Arthur simply looked down at him, his eyes shining with disappointment, or was it anger? Perhaps both.

“So that’s it?” Arthur finally snapped, the harshness of his words startling Merlin and causing him to recoil a little. “After everything, you’re just going to leave and never come back?”

“I don’t want to leave you,” Merlin said sadly. “But I have to go. Can’t you understand that?”

“No!” Arthur yelled. “I mean, of course I understand that you have to go but I don’t see why you can’t come back.”

“I want to!” Merlin exclaimed, wishing desperately that he could explain but knowing that if he did, Arthur would do everything in his power to stop him from going. “It’s just…complicated.”

“It always is with you,” Arthur sighed. “Fine, go.”

“What?”

“Are you deaf as well as dumb?” Arthur was shouting now. “You’re fired! Get out!”

“Arthur…”

“OUT!”

He felt like Arthur had run him through with his sword. One some level he knew Arthur was just lashing out because he didn’t know how else to express himself, but that didn’t stop it hurting any less.

“Fine,” he said softly in a voice tinged with regret.

And with that he walked out of Arthur’s room for what would be the last time. That had not gone as he’d imagined. In his head there had been a lot less shouting and a lot more kissing.

* * *

Merlin and Gaius were cold, wet and exhausted when they returned to Camelot, and the first thing Merlin did was check on his mother while Gaius changed into dry clothes. She was sleeping peacefully, all traces of the disease gone from her body. He almost collapsed in relief.

“You should get some rest,” Gaius said, once he’d performed a quick examination of Hunith and satisfied himself that she was well.

Merlin shook his head. There had been one thing and one thing only on his mind throughout their journey home.

“I have to see Arthur.”

When Gaius smiled, it was a knowing smile, one that almost made him blush.

“Perhaps you should change out of those wet clothes first.”

But Merlin was already out the door and didn’t look back.

* * *

He almost considered knocking on Arthur’s door after the way they had parted, but finally decided to take a chance and walk in as he normally did. Arthur was standing at the window looking pensively outside. He didn’t turn around when Merlin entered the room.

“So, you came back,” he said stiffly, still looking out of the window.

“Yes,” Merlin replied softly.

“Your mother?”

“She’s recovering, thank you.”

He hated how things were suddenly so formal between them. It hadn’t been like this…ever.

Arthur sighed and finally turned to face Merlin, raising an eyebrow as he took in Merlin’s bedraggled appearance.

“You look terrible.”

“So do you,” Merlin replied.

It was true. Arthur’s face was more pale and gaunt than it had been when they’d last seen each other, if that was possible.

“Yes, well, I haven’t been sleeping,” Arthur said, his tone implying very clearly that he considered this to be Merlin’s fault.

“I’m sorry to hear that.”

“So, are you back for good or is this just a passing visit?” Arthur asked, trying for a casual and conversational tone and not entirely succeeding. The crack in his voice betrayed the emotion he was trying to conceal.

“I’m back for good,” he replied. “Things worked out differently than expected. Better.”

“So you thought you’d come and ask for your old job back?” Arthur asked with a smirk. “What makes you think I haven’t found another manservant already?”

Merlin smiled and crossed the room to stand in front of Arthur. “I’m not sure there’s anyone else in the kingdom stupid enough to take the job. You really are a prat, you know. And I didn’t come here for my job, I came here for you.”

Arthur started at that, and it was just the momentary distraction Merlin had been hoping for. He pressed a soft kiss to the prince’s lips.

“I wanted to do that the last time I was here,” he said with a gentle smile when he saw the startled look on Arthur’s face. “But you were too busy shouting and firing me.”

“I thought…” Arthur seemed to be struggling to find the words. “I thought you weren’t coming back because of me.”

“And you call me an idiot,” Merlin teased. He’d never seen Arthur look and sound so vulnerable before, not even when he was injured and dying. It made Merlin love him just that little bit more.

“Just…promise me you won’t leave again,” Arthur asked softly. “Or, if you have to, tell me why so I can help.”

It wasn’t an easy promise to make. Neither of them could know what the future held, but what Merlin _did_ know was that he never wanted to leave Arthur’s side again.

“I promise.”

Finally Arthur seemed to relax, and he even smiled a little as he drew Merlin close for another kiss.

“You look like you need to sleep,” Arthur whispered when they parted, “and I know I need to. Stay with me?”

There was no place Merlin would rather be.

He carefully helped Arthur into one of his nightshirts, mindful of his wounded arm, and borrowed a shirt for himself so he could discard his wet clothes. They both climbed into bed and lay side by side. As much as he wanted to hold him, Merlin was careful not to touch Arthur in case he hurt him. There would be plenty of time for touching when Arthur was healed and they both weren’t exhausted.

He grinned when Arthur had a different opinion, pulling Merlin close and starting to nibble the top of his ear.

“We’re supposed to be sleeping,” Merlin pointed out.

“I know,” Arthur replied as he stopped nibbling and kissed Merlin’s ear instead. “It’s just occurred to me that we never finished the conversation we started when I was ill. I just wanted to say that I feel the same.”

Merlin felt a warmth in his stomach as a smile spread over his face. He rolled over so that he was looking at Arthur. “I’m glad.”

“So am I, actually.”

Merlin pressed another kiss to Arthur’s lips. “Now can we go to sleep?”

“I suppose so.”

He sighed and snuggled down close to Arthur, closing his eyes and allowing himself to relax for the first time since Arthur had been injured. He was safe, warm and loved. Everything was perfect.

“By the way,” Arthur murmured sleepily just as Merlin was on the verge of drifting off. “I didn’t get around to finding a replacement manservant, so you’re not fired.”

“Wonderful,” Merlin groaned. “Thank you so much, sire.”

“My pleasure, Merlin.”

As they drifted off to sleep, Merlin was certain that the pleasure that was to come would be equally shared between them both.

The End.


End file.
